hello all yet again.. i have returned life is still just as hard and actually a lot harder than it was then ... nothinge ver seems to get better.. i still just wish i would disappear or something but i know it will never happen.. life is like a never ending hell.. actually LIFE IS HELL. you just get tired of everyone running you over and treating you like your nothing and like you don't deserve anything... I feel like god hates me but that nothing new.. i've thought he hated me since papa died... whats new right? they are so right when they say you should enjoy being a child because that is the happiest time of your life.... you just don't get to be happy much more after that... and i'm learning the hard way. someone is always there to tear you down and hurt you, make you feel like your nothing and there is nothing that you can do to stop them besides avoiding those people or confronting them and either way your stressed.. i know i write the most boring/depressing shit here on the net, but what i write isn't lies of any sort... I'm getting tired of constant hurting and heart-ache, the constant thought that i am and never will be good enough for anything or anybody...  i feel alone alot due to the fact that no one seems to understand me or how i think.. maybe i'm just insane or maybe i'm the only sane person in this world i dunno.. i just know that life sucks alot.. 17 and wishing i were dead.. but hey i've been wishing that since i was 13 so big deal right? i quit cutting myself a long time ago but oding doesn't seem too bad.. it just makes me feel better... i've went from being a goody two-shoes in middle-school to the depressed drug addict senior all in 4 years. everything does change when you come to high-school. you grow up fast and you experience good and bad things.. and i tell you its not a fun trip or at least it wasn't for me... i am still here and every now and then i see a little hope in the road ahead but it only lasts for a short amount of time before i'm back in the dark gloomy shadows of fear, angst, and hurt..my car is almost liek my only true friend.. the one who hears all and never complains back to me or tells me how i should do things.. it just listens.. like my cat.. i have few grreat friends but the ones i have i love very dearly.. even they have slipped away from my grasp a good bit though.. i dunno what i'm doing i know that i'm not that bad of person i do what i am supposed to do i quit almost all the drugs all i do is smoke and i've brought my grades up and i'm trying to get a job but i still feel trapped and scared and unsure what i am going to be for the rest of my life.. i don't expect to know everything but i sure wish i didn't have to be scared so much.. i dunno.. i'm gonna quit writing now.. my life sucks enough in this blog for one day..

I Hate My Life

Someone!! SAVE ME

Hello everyone again.. believe it or not. i am actually posting again.. twice in two days.. its a miracle... yesterday started off being a really good day until i got home.. i got home and my grandmother was being taken to the emergency room and no one will talk to me except one person..(besides family) everyone else just seems to ignore me out of school.. my supposed friends who were supposed to show up at my house all fucking week won't even answer the phone when i call them now.. and i have no idea why.. someone else seems to be losing all interest in me and i feel like i don't do anything but bother people.. i've about had enough.. i'm on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and i can't tell anyone and even if i did no one would even care.. it seems like to everyone out of school just hates me and tries to tolerate me or something.. i dunno.. but i do know that it hurts to feel like i have absolutely no one who gives a shit about whats going on in my life.. someone who is supposed to be my best friend has doen what seems to be.. abandon me and not have any feels of concern or even seem to care that i am suffering.. all i have heard from them is how much their life sucks.. and only about them.. thats all they care about and i thought we were supposed to share everythign and CARE for one another.. my whole world is crashing around me and there is nothign i can do to stop it because nobody cares!! anymore i just wish i would die so that the pain would stop adn my head would quit spinning and the hurting would end.. i'm so tired of fighting a losing battle when it doesn't matter if i just dissappeared.. i am used and abused it feels like.. i know your probably thinking that i am just exaggerating or something.. but i swear to you.. this is how it feels.. i don't expect anyone to sympathize for me because hell no one gives a shit anyway.. i'm getting used to it.. slowly but surely.. my family knows nothign about me really.. my whole life is a lie and i was willign to do that when i thought i was cared about but now they have been acting like they hate me and that i am horrible and do nothing but bug them and drive them crazy.. i really haven't done anything wrong.. i guess trying to help someone fight a drug habit that they hate was enough for them to hate me.. they asked for my help but won't let me in.. they won't let me know anything.. its like they can't even stand to be around me.. i tried to go see them and they had me do something for them and never even showed up for two seconds... and didn't even care! they've gotten all these news friends that are a threat ot me and them being together and they don't care.. no one cares.. i feel like i'm the only one who cares at all in this world and  it just hurts so bad.. i was thinking that i wished someone would just accidently kill me so i wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.. but oh well... i've gotta go.. bye

Week Day Blues

Hello everyone i am back in action now on here.. finally.. i had to learn all the codes so that i could get on here at school since they blocked all personal websites... for some ungodly reason.. i have no idea why it is neccessary for them to do that,, its not like we're hurting anyone this way.. LoL i think they just want to be assholes myself.. ha ha... i'm gonna have to go through and change all of my html so that i don't have to take 5 extra  minutes every mornign just to sign in.. LoL..

I've been out of school for just about the last 3 days.. Monday i managed to stay at least until almost 9:30.. but tuesday and wednesday i just stayed in bed because i just felt awful.. i can't wait until this weekend now though.. i just wanna go see my favorite people and relax to the fullest of my ability.. I'm feeling extremely tired right now and it really kinda feels like my monday did but i'm sticking it out this time because i don't need to miss anymore school days for the rest of the year or i'm not gonna go on to the 12th grade.. well in all actuality though i am already a senior by my crdeits though.. so what does it really matter? hell i think too danm much.. but it doesn't matter on here anyway because nobody ever reads my sad little xanga anymore anyway.. LoL .. oh well.. i need a journal i can keep for me to read.. LoL ..

well i'm gonna get off of here and try to squeeze a game or two in before the bell rings... ttyl..

~§*Michelle*§~|~§*Babegirl*§~

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